July 20th

It was July 20th, the summer of 2017.

The state of where I was and how the day went, is weirdly still quite clear to me until now. After spending three weeks exploring Italy and Germany, I went back to Trondheim. I took off from Berlin TXL to Trondheim via Oslo. I think I haven't traveled through TXL before so I was a bit on edge, but I kinda got a hang of it after being cautious for three weeks from traveling kind of 'solo' -and I was so ready to go home. 

TXL was still on construction so I just kept my mind focus on checking my bags, getting food, going to my gate, wait, and just make sure I didn't miss the flight. Arriving at Oslo, I was so close to missing my connecting flight. For domestic transfer, you have to wait at the transfer gate until your name appears at the transfer screen. Man, time is ticking so slow when you wait. When my name finally pops up, I ran to my gate - and yep, I'm the last one to board. One thing I cannot remember though, did people stare at me for running and being 'late'? I didn't check, I tried to find my seat as fast as I can.

Arriving in Trondheim, I waited for my luggage and until the last bag, mine is nowhere to be found.  The second time it happened that summer. I suppose when my name pops up at the transfer screen, my bag couldn't catch up with my running to the gate. Whether if it's the weeks of training or the effect of the connecting flights, I was way off from being on edge. I just went to the airline office, sign some papers, and went to the bus to get home. I got all I need on my 3 euro tote bag I got from a stationery shop in Berlin. 

I got home, made dinner, and since days are long, went for a walk to the fort uphill a few kilometers from my place. Arrived just in time to enjoy the sun setting in the city. I thought I'd have more tangible memories to recall the day than what I have written above, and upon scrolling at pictures on my phone, this one and only picture is the only thing I took that whole day. 

Probably, what took me off the edge that day was because it was kind of a day where things end and new things started. And probably, what made this day weirdly still quite clear to me until now it's because somehow that's how the adjustment bureau wants me to remember it: one picture and a full set of memory. 

Memories

Every person has their own ways of keeping memories -or not keeping it. As a very nostalgic person, I tend to keep a lot of things (in tangible form) mostly for sentimental reasons. I have been writing diaries and journals, probably since elementary school. Filling diaries with mundane kinds of stuff, boy-crush, teen-angst, to more introspective jot downs as I grew older. My laptop, phone, and external storage are almost always full of digital photos, and there are envelopes of printed pictures on my desk. Not to forget, food wraps, tickets from concerts, postcards, are scattered in my room.

Writing has been somehow therapeutic for me. It allows me to understand my feelings and rationalize it. Just like how you take notes in class to reread it again before a test; sometimes I re-read the things I wrote to recall memories, to see if I made progress, to see if any feelings change, basically to test my-self. There was once a period where I refuse to write things down, just because I don't want to make memories out of it. Some feelings and thoughts end up being buried somewhere in me, resurface as it pleases, and leaving me without control over it. 

With pictures, it's really more of a nostalgia. There are now apps that let you know what picture you took this date years ago. On certain days, you might get a simultaneous year of throwbacks, taking you year-by-year back. Re-calling memories visually often brings my thoughts to "this time last year, everything was totally different." Different kind of pictures can trigger good or bad feelings. Nonetheless, it visually shows changes (or no changes). 

But then, the relation of memories and the phrase "moving-on" become such a tricky phrase in this context. Re-calling memories doesn't mean you lived in the past and not being present. I believe people moved on from memories in their own unique ways. These memories have been a part of one's life. Though no longer present, I personally think it will never be entirely gone because it has made us and brought us to where we are today. Basically, we're stuck with it. But one thing to keep in mind, memories of the past better not hold us back from being present and pursuing a better future.

PS: multiple exposure photo-esque sourced from JPS

Unforeseen Circumstances

Sometimes we go on this journey. With a story unwritten even unforeseen. It is written as it goes and in the way, it surprises you in ways you couldn't even imagine. For me, ‘this’ particular journey I had this summer was one of it.

Prologue

It began with familiarizing oneself to one own self if that would make sense. It’s the introduction to the journey. It didn’t say much about the journey ahead, but there’s a glimpse of hope, excitement, and a tease of the element of surprise. At the end, there’s this some sort of conflict that was addressed. It pushed to the need of resolution that would need to be followed up by the next chapter.

Monologue

This is the part where everything seems to be drastically pouring in. A lot of this and that in addition to the conflict introduced in the prologue. But the whole thing is actually about surviving. It's like peeling layers of onions. Except, the onion is you. Each moment is a conflict itself which requires its own solution. And if you try to see in a bigger picture, these little moments might be a part of a solution to the big problem. Here lied the part where in the story you were being torn apart, you were put into a test -to the deepest-darkest-forest-, and still, you needed to be able to breathe and make your way out. Here, it was also the part where you would finally found that the weapon to face the Last King standing, lies within you. I mean it has been your journey all along. People you meet along the way were your clue, your aid, but they are not you. Gosh, that sounded super cheesy, but hey, you found the cure, the sword, the whatever. Nope, but it didn’t end there.

Epilogue

The last part is probably as crucial as the Monologue. This is where it all get tested. This is where you gather all your weapon and getting ready to face your ultimate mission. There will be hesitation, but hey, you have got everything you need now! This part might challenge you more as you might take one step forward and two steps back. But no! Thou shall not back down. As this may also become a prologue to the next journey, there’s always a glimpse of hope, excitement, and a tease of the element of surprise.

PS: Making everything go as planned is not easy --as universe always tackles you, but we'll see.

Defining

Everyday, all the time, we are always trying to fit -or unfit- ourself into society's perspectives -whether we realize it or not. Every decision we make depended on which sides of us we want the world to see. Making "sane" decisions sometime is merely fitting ourselves within society. Making "insane" decision -even for the sake of your own good- can come across as selfish. Do you want to be seen as selfish?

There's always two sides of a story including yourselves. There's always two sides of you. One that is more sound may be the one you feed more. It can get a little exhausting when you try to feed both. You'll end up grey and find yourselves between your own lines. So in the end, you just gotta make that decision. Which side you want to be, which side you want them to see? How would you fit in?

There's no place like home

Home is where the heart is. 

I originally wrote this a little while ago as a reflection of 2016 and opening up for 2017. The topic, I think, it's an always ongoing process, so here's to these feelings and the journey to discover home. One which I thought I had already understood what it meant before but then 2016 truly has brought a whole lot deeper meaning into it. So here's a little look at how 2016 set me homes. 

The beginning of the year was the beginning of my new journey. I just started applying for school, applying for scholarship, and thinking about embarking on a new phase. I didn't meticulously planned it. It was a now-or-never thing. I didn't prepare any back up plan. Just jump right through it. I just knew it had to work. It had to. There were few bumps in the road, sometimes I really felt like giving up or having second thoughts that may be this is not the path I'm supposed to take, but eventually things fell beautifully into place. I got accepted into the school I wanted and I got a scholarship to pursue it. It was a blessing beyond belief. That's the first milestone to the journey. Nothing yet related to finding homes, but it is the root.

Along the way, I started to meet new people. I was away from home for a quarantine of the scholarship programme, there I get to know new friends and those new friends become new family, they become "home" on that week I was away from home. I don't know how long those kinds of friendship that is formed on a time-frame kind of basis would last, but at that time that's your comfort of home. Then also came the time that I need to resign from my work-place, it was then I realised, the team I worked with and spent every working hours and every overtime hours kind of become also my family. They've hold another definition of home. It's like waving goodbye at a half-piece of you whilst holding on to the other half-piece in the other hand.

Then it was time for me to leave my friends and my family, my actual home, to pursue my dreams. It was not easy, trust me. I tried to cover up all the tears of saying goodbyes with laughter. I basically couldn't say good-bye at the airport cause soon I'll start bawling. It was also a scary thought to be in a new place, alone. But, no. Universe always have a surprise for you. In Norway, 10 937 km away from home. I have found another home, people that makes you feel loved and right at home. People that takes care of you and take you in their life, if not by fate, by choice. 

Close to the end of the year, I went on my first multi city-multi country trip. I met different people and traveled with different group of friends. It's then when I realised, when you're away from home, on that mini nomad portion of your time, you'll never feel alone -no matter where you are- as long as you're close to "home", those you invest your love in. Finding a home is a journey in which you'll discover yourself on the way. I'm still looking for it everywhere I go, every time. Because for me, home is a feeling. Home is where the heart is. Home is where love is, as Elbert Hubbard quotes the love you give away is the only love you keep. 

We will.

"The higher that I climb, the deeper I fall down"


Guess what,
people can knock you down.
You can build multiple stories and they're gonna knock you down.
And you will build it again.
Piece by piece.

You have failed, but you will always try again. Won't you?
We've got a lot of time a head of us.
We're gonna soar higher next time.
Cause now, you have flown higher than before.

We're gonna soar higher.
Higher.

We're gonna see even more beautiful scenery next time.
I promise you, we will.

Higher.
I promise you,
We will.

And next time, we're giving change a chance.